So I never made that video. I was gonna attempt vlogging, the kind where you’re talking and stuff, but I’ve realized that I just don’t got the time. I’ll wait till I can afford to pay someone to edit the videos. Till then I will continue with my insta stories.
These past two weeks I’ve felt really overwhelmed and exhausted. I have been trying to stay strong since I moved, waiting and praying for my mom to get here, so I can get some help and do things for myself.
She is finally here and I’m still feeling overwhelmed and tired all the time. I finally joined the gym and it helped me for a bit, also I decided to start sewing/taking orders. This has actually been part of the reason for my exhaustion.
There is so much I mean to do, but I’m just so preoccupied with making enough money to pay my bills and do those things that I don’t even have the time or energy to do them. Every weekend that comes all I want to do is sleep.
Sleeping is also harder because my son seems to wake up in the middle of the night these days and that just breaks my sleep.
I have done a bit for myself, I had my eyebrows micro-bladed and got a pedicure. I also attended two functions alone without my son, thanks to my mom being available to help me look after him, but I realize I haven’t gotten any real rest.
I reckon I really need time off to just rest and unplug, without thinking too much of all the responsibilities waiting for me at home.
Whilst my mom being here is awesome and I cannot tell you how much of a huge help she has been so far. I still feel so exhausted and overwhelmed. Like she is now an extra mouth to feed and take care of, so it’s just tough. I’m still so grateful for the opportunity, I just need God’s strength to keep going.
Parenting has suddenly become so scary and overwhelming for me. I feel like I’m not being deliberate enough in parenting my son. I read newsletters on baby center and I just feel like a bad parent, because I hardly take out time to even read a book with him, or teach him how to write, or take him to play outside.
Even potty training I’m failing at. I honestly always just feel so bad like my son is behind in his development.
We spend a lot of time hugging and playing but I just feel it’s not the same. I’ve never wanted to be one of those parents who depend on the school to “raise’ their kids, but it almost feels like I’m turning into that, because I feel like I’m not putting as much effort into it as I should. Like I’m aware, but for some reason I’m not able to.
I think the whole move and everything I’ve been through, being alone and all is finally just getting to me and I just feel like I wanna crack/break under the pressure.
I know I really just need some alone time away from everything and everyone, but the more I think about it, the more it seems unattainable. There’s just too much going on, that I feel like I cannot afford it and even if I could somehow, I’d feel guilty for neglecting other stuff that’s supposed to be more important, for it. But my mental health is supposed to be important right?
I’m sha just feeling clueless right now. Maybe I’m pms-ing.
Just wanted to rant.