Guilt Trip

Before I went all out and started going on trips as an adult, I used to have so many guilt trips.

I’ve always naturally felt the need to sacrifice (especially for my family), I used to put a lot of people before myself, including friends this time. Not standing my ground and saying No to things I couldn’t do or simply didn’t want to do, and end up putting myself in a tight spot.

A lot of the time something will upset me and I will think maybe I’m overreacting and sincerely try to brush it aside, without holding it in, but then, the person doesn’t know and will repeat time after time, which inevitably causes a build up of annoyance in me, until one day I blow.

Now I hardly ever get angry, like really angry, I’ve only gotten that way 7 times (last time was late last year) in my life. I do however get irritated and upset but never really full blown anger. I have no problem saying No now though, in fact I try to be completely honest and not lead anyone, so that I stay a woman of my word as much as I possibly can. I think I’m digressing.

Anyway, I would have the means to do something cool for myself, but then I’d think that “oh, this person needs this or this other thing is more important, so let the fun wait”. I’d always prioritize, based on needs of others and mine and not just relax and live a little.

That changed a whole lot when I went to Serbia, started off in 2012 when I went for an internship for two months and continued when I went back for my Masters. It was so freeing and awesome because my family had my back, they were in full support of my enjoying myself, especially my mom (she’s who I’m majorly always thinking of). She told me not to worry about her while I’m there, I should just use my money for me, enjoy myself, gain experiences and live life, and I did just that.

Of course I couldn’t totally just not care, so when I could I would help out and send money home, and when I didn’t have money and I hear that my mom or someone is struggling, it would hurt me so much that I couldn’t do anything about it. Being able to give or be there for people is so fulfilling for me, it truly makes me happy to be able to.

Now I’m back in Nigeria and there’s just so much to do with money that’s important for me and family that I find myself turning down lots of avenues to just relax and have fun, but I’m balancing it, though it’s tilting more to the priorities side.

Like now, I could go to Calabar or some other place for Easter but I need to buy a fridge and still have so many things I need for my studio flat and even somehow I get all the stuff I need for my flat, there’s always someone or some family member that could use the money or the help (As I’m typing this, someone just literally walked into my office asking me to help him with 5k ). I’d just feel so guilty going off to enjoy myself when I know I got things that need taken care of, so I find myself turning down so many offers. (Though turning down these offers, sometimes is me taking a stand for myself and not just doing something because someone else wants to).

It’s painful sometimes as you know I love adventures, but priorities man, I have to start living mostly for my future children now. Grateful for the opportunity to have done so much self-living when I was in school though, obviously I’ll chip some in still.

To be honest I feel, living for God, yourself and others is all living. If you’re able to balance these three then my friends you’re living the life. That’s what I’m working towards now, balancing all three and by God’s Grace and Strength I’m doing it and thriving.

I always remind myself that there’s no one way to thrive, it’s just for you to be able to accept your situation for what it is, make necessary adjustments or changes, make the most of it and not let it get you down.

I’m not boxing myself or anyone in, life can throw so many things at you, I’m ready and here for it. There is no particular way it should be, just be open ask for God’s wisdom and direction and face each moment as it comes.

At Peace and Content even in the struggle that I seem to be going through right now.

Take Charge

Sonia

PS: I recently got a table and chair for my sewing machine, and now I’m ready to sew for people. Actually just finished two dresses for someone yesterday evening, expecting to get another today. Excited and Happy 

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